Hi all!

Today I am going to share my experience with EMDR (Eye Movement Desentisiation and Reprocessing) Therapy. I am not going to go into great detail about my past, but I will explain how I found EMDR, what it is and how it worked for me personally. My biggest motivation for detailing this journey, is to make others aware that such a therapy exists, because I wish I had known about it years ago. EMDR is predominately for those suffering with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and/or a long-term history of abuse, depression and anxiety. If you have spent years talking to therapists and feel as though nothing has changed, you may require something more intensive, like this. Before I begin, I want to add a couple of disclaimers: 1.) I am not a licensed professional, so please understand I don’t have all the answers. You can find out more here. 2.) EMDR is not a guaranteed cure. It has quite a high success rate, but I don’t want to provide false hope in saying this treatment will work for everyone. It may. It may not. Without further ado, let’s get into it.

HOW DID I FIND EMDR THERAPY? 

I stumbled upon EMDR completely by accident. In a strange way, I am thankful for my insomnia because that is what led me to this treatment. I have mentioned my sleep struggles before, so I won’t explain them again. You can read more here. I was referred to my therapist via a sleep specialist and in our session, we determined that my anxiety surrounding sleep stemmed from something much darker. She told me that she happened to specialise in EMDR therapy. She also explained what it was and that I was a perfect candidate for it. Note: not every therapist is trained in EMDR. You need to do your own research and find somebody you trust. This is intensive work, so it’s important you’re paired with a professional you feel comfortable with. 

WHAT IS EMDR THERAPY & HOW DOES IT WORK? 

As mentioned above, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desentistation and Reprocessing. It is a psychotherapy, enabling people to heal from emotional distress, as a result of disturbing life experiences. For example, if you witnessed a comrade die in the war, that memory could haunt you for the rest of your life. An EMDR therapist will ask you describe the event in detail and how you would like to reprocess it. After several sessions of preparation and framing, you will be asked to recall the memory, following the therapist’s fingers, as they move back and forth. Check out the video below for a visual example. 

Via the rapid eye movement, a vivid memory that has brought you distress all of your life, can be reprocessed, so you view it differently. A good example my therapist gave, was if you try to remember your 10th birthday party, you may be able to recall flashes, but it will be pretty hazy. A traumatic memory however, feels very intense, like it happened just yesterday. EMDR will shift the memory from vivid to foggy, like your 10th birthday celebration. It’s mind-blowing. As you can imagine, this type of therapy is extremely confronting and emotional. It has the potential to evoke strong reactions. Reliving your most traumatic memory in great detail is HARD. I am speaking from experience. 

MY EXPERIENCE WITH EMDR THERAPY 

I’m not going to go into specific details here, but as a child, I was emotionally and physically abused by my father. This has left me a very anxious, adult. I have spent most of my life clenching my fists, grinding my teeth, sweating, jerking my legs and more. I operate as though there is a threat around every corner. I can never truly relax. I used to call myself ‘naturally anxious’ until my therapist told me there was no such thing. She said there was trauma living inside my body and I needed EMDR to relieve it. I had to do a lot of preparation work beforehand, including two in-depth questionnaires. I also had to outline ten of my most traumatic memories, ranking them from 1-10 (10 being most traumatic, 1 being least). After our first session, I cried all the way home, because I realised in nearly 31 years of living, I had never felt safe. I just wanted to finally feel secure. My therapist told me that my body was in constant fight-or-flight mode. EMDR would turn that switch off when it needed to be, and on when it needed to be – instead of always on. The truth is, my rational mind knows I’ve been safe since my father left, but my body never caught up.

My first EMDR session took place February 10th of this year. We decided to start ‘small’, reprocessing a memory I deemed a 5 on the traumatic scale. I’m not going to lie, I went into it quite skeptical. I didn’t believe it would actually work. My therapist asked me to recall the memory, whilst following her moving fingers back and forth; just noting how my body reacted. She wanted me to remain present, but before long, I was back in that moment. I was no longer in the room. My chest started to get tight. I clutched at my throat; telling my therapist I was struggling to speak. She said that was normal. She explained that with each memory, I would reach a peak of emotional turmoil, before starting to calm down. It was important I pushed through every single time things got intense. She likened it to driving through a tunnel. It may feel scary and claustrophobic, but if you stop in the middle of the tunnel, you won’t feel any better. It’s advised to keep driving, until you’re out of the darkness.

On March 10th, we reprocessed a memory I deemed a 10 on the traumatic scale. Needless to say, this one was far more difficult than the 5. I cried, wanting to leave. I struggled to stay present. We worked through it, until I felt that same haziness take over; finally confident regulating my emotions. At the end of the session, I told my therapist that whilst I felt better about the memories – and that the trauma was starting to fade – I still had the same recurring nightmare, that always left me shaken. She told me that EMDR worked on dreams as well and we could try reprocessing it in the next session.

On March 17th, we reprocessed the nightmare. Despite not being real, my body still reacted under therapy, as though it was. I was scared. My breathing turned shallow and I could feel my hands gripping the couch. After a while, a little voice in my head told me I was safe now. That he could no longer hurt me. That he was gone for good. Suddenly, the image of the dream changed. In my mind, I saw my father walk out of the door. It was truly amazing. A week later, I had the dream again, but it was completely different. I felt in control, no longer scared. My father was also in a new location. It was clear I had all the power now.

My final EMDR session was supposed to be on the 24th March, but due to the virus, we changed the session to be online. We decided to wrap-up my sessions, because the EMDR was having a flow-on-effect to all my other memories. It was going to be much more difficult to continue doing EMDR through a screen, so I was happy to be done. I know I am posting this not long after my therapy finished but I feel completely different. My core beliefs have changed: I feel safe now, as opposed to unsafe. I feel more confident regulating my emotions and I’m definitely not as tense. EMDR has changed my life for the better, teaching me so much about myself. I am forever thankful. I would highly recommend it, if you meet the criteria established by a trained professional.

Thank you so much for reading. Please leave any comments or questions below.

Peace & Love xoxo