Hi all!

In just two days time, my husband and I will be celebrating our 3rd year of marriage. Given that milestone, I thought it would be good to discuss what our relationship has been like since having Abigail. I also want to share some tips on how to keep the love going strong, despite the inevitable changes that happen once your family expands. Quick disclaimer, we are only having one child. These things become more difficult, the more you add to your family, but even one kid can shift the dynamics. I’m not a relationship expert, this is just our experience and what has worked for us. Let’s get into it!

1.) COMMUNICATE! DUH! 

I write ‘duh’ because I know this tip seems really obvious, but you would not believe how many parents forget to communicate with one another, once a child comes into the mix. I have always found it difficult to ask for help. So has Francis. I needed more time for myself and so did he. We had a long, honest conversation about it one day and now, we accommodate one another’s needs, balancing out personal time fairly. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. If I have a hot bath or a walk around the block, I’m recharged. Francis feels better when he gets fresh air or plays a game on the couch. We need to remind ourselves often that we are people outside of being parents. We have hobbies and interests and deserve time for ourselves. By communicating our needs, we are more loving and content with one another, because there is no resentment due to overwhelming stress. 

2.) SCHEDULE DATES! 

I know this is easier said than done, but even if it’s just once a month, get a family or a friend that can babysit for 1-2 hours and just have a meal together. Don’t feel pressured to have stimulating conversations, just enjoy the quiet/quality time without your child demanding all your attention. Francis and I try to go on a date once a month. We are going to dinner for our third year wedding anniversary. We try to go to new vegan restaurants, which gets us super excited about food. It’s definitely a lot easier now that Abigail is a toddler and no longer breastfeeding, but in the beginning, we would eat and dash home. You need to be together. Also, don’t talk about your kid. I know it’s tough, but this is a chance to make it all about you two. 

3.) SNUGGLE EVERY NIGHT! 

When you finally get your child/children to bed, snuggle one another, giving plenty of affection. You don’t have to have sex. You’re most likely exhausted, so remove that pressure and just cuddle. No matter how tired we are, we always snuggle, talking about things before we go to sleep. It’s my favourite time of day and I look forward to it so much. Once you have a child, so too does the sex life. You may struggle with body positivity or feeling attractive. Remind your partner that they are still desirable and beautiful to you. It will make all the difference in the world. I feel like my husband is more attractive since becoming a father, because nothing is sexier than a good dad. Seeing him so loving and caring toward our daughter has made me appreciate him in a whole new light. 

4.) SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER IN THE ADJUSTMENT 

One thing I’ll never forget from parenting classes at the hospital, was the instructor telling us that men experience postpartum depression too. She provided us with resources, just for men. It’s easy for a woman to go ‘ugh, why does a man get PPD. I’m the one who carried the child and have all these crazy hormones racing around my body’ but men have just experienced an enormous life change too. Men are told to harden up and that emotions are weak, even when they are suffering on the inside. I was very mindful of this in the beginning. We were both exhausted, shell-shocked and overwhelmed. I checked in on Francis’s mental health, as much as mine. I suffered from baby blues and so did he (seeing me suffering, didn’t help) and I never once put him down for it or discounted his feelings. A good resource in Australia for men is PANDA. Click here to read some recovery stories from the perspective of the father.

5.) REMIND YOURSELVES OFTEN THAT THINGS WILL GET EASIER 

When you first have a child, you feel like your lives are going to be all over the place for years to come, but that isn’t true. You do learn to adjust in time and things do become easier. Reminding one another of this fact, often provides great relief. Francis and I regularly say things like “remember when Abi wouldn’t nap for longer than 30 minutes and now she naps like a champ?” Or “remember when Abi screamed whenever we did tummy time and now she’s walking?” The truth is, we have lived this every single day. For nearly 16 months, we have raised a child. No breaks, no days off. That is a huge accomplishment. We can look back on what was difficult and appreciate what is much simpler now. We tell each other how proud we are for doing such a good job and how strong we are. It is such a confidence booster. 

6.) EXPRESS YOUR FRUSTRATIONS AND ANXIETY

Don’t ever keep things bottled up. That is a recipe for disaster. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tell your partner that you’re struggling. Chances are, they will be on the same page. Sometimes, I’ll say to Francis: “Today is rough. I’m not enjoying motherhood today.” I don’t feel guilty about saying that anymore. I love my child more than anything, but I don’t have to love every aspect of parenting. I don’t have to love teething, tantrums and foul poopy nappies. We don’t hold back when it gets tough. Remember that your partner is in this parenthood journey with you. Lean on one another, bounce ideas off each other and complain to each other! Share the burden and you’ll both feel more supported and understood. 

7.) ENCOURAGE SELF-CARE 

Last tip! Try to encourage self-care from one another. Sometimes parents can get into a rut. The days all look the same and we can forget to look after ourselves. If you want to maintain closeness, go for walks together with your child, watch a movie together when they are asleep and eat foods that fuel and satisfy you both. You are in a partnership and know each other really well, so aim to encourage habits that will keep your spouse feeling mentally and physically healthy. Francis and I get fresh air, we stay on top of shows we love and cook together. We recently purchased a Pressure Cooker/Slow Cooker, which has been such a great investment. We can make all sorts of new recipes in half the time it would normally take to make them. Plus, the softness of the meals, makes it easier for Abigail to eat too. We both need to keep each other in check. 

I hope you enjoyed this post and that some of these tips help. Again, I don’t claim to have all the answers, nor is our relationship perfect (perfection does not exist) but we’ve certainly found a rhythm that works for us, keeping us happy, functioning parents and partners, most of the time. Let me know your tips down below. Thanks for reading! 

Peace & Love xoxo