Hi all!

Today I am sharing a list of things I’ve had to unlearn in life. I’ve wanted to write this post for some time. As we grow and attempt to break generational trauma, it’s our responsibility to question what has been ingrained in us from childhood. Not everything we have been taught is right or real. In fact, a lot of it can be wrong and sometimes, toxic. Now that I’m in my mid-30’s, a mother and a woman with plenty of life experience, I feel it’s time to impart some wisdom. Without further ado, let’s get into it!

1.) Blood Means Nothing. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to unlearn in life is that blood means nothing. Throughout life, we are told that loyalty to family is everything. That blood bonds are stronger than anything else. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. I haven’t spoken to my father in over twenty years and trust me, it’s for the best. Our daughter will learn that chosen family is just as valid and that we don’t owe anyone anything, if they aren’t good for our mental health, no matter who they are. Just ask any gay or trans person rejected by their own families for being who they are.

2.) Romantic Relationships Aren’t Meant to Be Easy. 

Before I met my husband, I declared I wouldn’t be with somebody unless things were easy all the time. If my relationship took hard work, it wasn’t worth pursuing. Eleven years later, I now know that is the most ridiculous goal I could have ever aimed for. Let me be clear, relationships aren’t meant to be draining, abusive or insufferable, but they are hard and do take work. Throw a child into the mix, a dash of neurodivergence and completely different love languages, there are going to be hurdles. Showing up for each other each every day when we are exhausted and hardened by life’s unexpected challenges is how I know we have something solid. People give up too quickly these days – always chasing the honeymoon stage. Real love takes dedication and two individuals working together as a team.

3.) Sensitivity Is a Strength, Not A Weakness. 

From a very early age, I was bullied for being ‘too sensitive.’ It was always used against me, as a negative. I gaslit myself into thinking I was the problem. Why was I built this way? Why couldn’t I just be stronger emotionally? I talk more about that experience here. Cut to the present day, where somebody I considered a friend, told me the same thing after mistreating me. I couldn’t believe it was still happening all these years later. When people don’t advocate for you, or validate your feelings, you have to do it for yourself. Sensitivity is anything but a weakness. It’s a wonderful way to be and such a strength. It means you feel deeply and have empathy for others. In a perfect world, sensitive people would be celebrated but in this world, they are trampled on and taken advantage of. The next time you are called too sensitive, smile and say thank you. What a compliment!

4.) Parents Deserve and NEED Time for Themselves. 

Before I had children, I believed the best way to parent was to give all of yourself, until there was nothing left. One must be completely and utterly selfless. How could there be any other way? I am so glad I unlearned that one quickly! Firstly, how can you give to your child/children when you, yourself, are empty? Secondly, you model good behaviour to your child/children when you show them you matter as well. It’s all about balance. When I have time for myself, I am a much better and happier mother. When I’m burned out, I’m snappy and irritable and that isn’t good for anyone. You are not a bad parent for needing a break. Breaks are ESSENTIAL! As parents, you also should make time for each other. I have a whole post on how to do that here.

5.) My Choices Don’t Have to Make Sense to Anyone Else.

Past me, are you reading this? Your choices don’t have to make sense to anyone else! I wish somebody had told me this at a young age. I used to care so much what people thought. I wouldn’t make decisions without others approval first. It was such a toxic mindset. Over the course of my life, people have had a lot of opinions about my relationship, the way I live, how I do things and some unconventional decisions I’ve made (re: parenting, moving interstate, being vegan etc.). At almost 35 years old, I can honestly say I don’t care anymore. All that matters is that I am happy, content and confident about where life has taken me. The more I began to live authentically, the happier I became. People are always going to think they know what’s best for you but only you have that knowledge. Trust in your inner wisdom. It will never lead you astray.

6.) Know A Dead End When You See One.

I have had to unlearn that walking away when something isn’t serving me, isn’t selfish. I know a dead end when I see one. When there are no other avenues to go down, it’s okay to move on. I was taught to fight and never give up on people. That was very black-and-white thinking. Some people just don’t understand, no matter how much you try and explain things to them. If the trust is broken and you don’t see it ever improving, walk away. It’s like Taylor Swift says: “sometimes giving up is the right thing” and “you know in your soul, when it’s time to go.”

7.) I’m Never Stuck Anywhere. 

This particular lesson will not apply to everyone. I am also aware it’s a very privileged standpoint to have. As a girl in my early 20’s, I felt trapped in an awful job, rental and relationship. At one point, I just resigned myself to the fact that it was my life. After a nervous breakdown, I was forced to leave my ex-partner, place of employment and move back home. It was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. It forced me to completely do my life over. I realised in the healing process that I was never stuck. At any point, I could’ve walked out. I was stuck in the mindset mentioned above that I had to keep at it, even though it was destroying my soul. Now I know I can move to another state, find a new place to work, change my lifestyle etc. Just having the knowledge that I can do something differently, at any given time, is very comforting.

8.) I Am Not Responsible for the Insecurities of Others. 

Last, but certainly not least, I learned (or unlearned) in therapy that I am not responsible for the insecurities of others. People tend to project their insecurities onto me because I am kind and sensitive. I used to feel guilty; carrying the weight of these actions/outbursts until I learned they had nothing to do with me. Sometimes, without even meaning to, we hold a mirror up to others. Some people are completely unaware of their shortcomings until a person comes along and reminds them of what they are lacking. Instead of taking accountability for it, or getting therapy to explore it further, they take it out on you. Just know, this is their issue and not yours. You are wonderful as you are.

Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you’ve had to unlearn in life.

Peace & Love xoxo